Archive for the ‘Jokes.’ Category

The Letter

Saturday, December 4th, 2010

A college student wrote a letter home, “Dear folks, I feel miserable because I have to keep writing for money. I feel ashamed and unhappy. I have to ask for another hundred, but every cell in my body rebels. I beg on bended knee that you forgive me.

Your son, Richard.

P.S. I felt so terrible I ran after the mailman who picked this up in the box at the corner. I wanted to take this letter and burn it. I prayed to God that I could get it back. But it was too late.”

A few days later he received a letter from his father. It said, “Your prayers were answered. Your letter never came!”

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The homework schedule

Saturday, October 9th, 2010

Here is an explanation of the school homework policy for the average student. Students should not spend more than ninety minutes per night. This time should be budgeted in the following manner if the student desires to achieve moderate to good grades in his/her classes.

15 minutes looking for assignment.

11 minutes calling a friend for the assignment.

23 minutes explaining why the teacher is mean and just does not like children.

8 minutes in the bathroom.

10 minutes getting a snack.

7 minutes checking the TV Guide.

6 minutes telling parents that the teacher never explained the assignment.

10 minutes sitting at the kitchen table waiting for Mom or Dad to do the assignment.

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A student’s request for extra money

Saturday, October 9th, 2010

A student called up his Mom one evening from his college and asked her for some money, because he was broke.

His Mother said, “Sure, sweetie. I will send you some money. You also left your economics book here when you visited two weeks ago. Do you want me to send that up too?”

“Uhh, oh yeah, O.K.” responded the kid.

So his Mom wrapped the book along with the checks up in a package, kissed Dad goodbye, and went to the post office to mail the money and the book. When she gets back, Dad asked, “Well how much did you give the boy this time?”

“Oh, I wrote two checks, one for $20, and the other for $1,000.”

“That’s $1020!!!” yelled Dad, “Are you going crazy???”

“Don’t worry hon,” Mom said, kissed Dad on the on top of his bald head, “I taped the $20 check to the cover of his book, but I put the $1,000 one somewhere between the pages in chapter 15!”

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English is really crazy

Sunday, August 15th, 2010
There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple. English muffins were not invented in England or French fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren`t sweet, are meat. We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.

And why is it that writers write, but fingers don`t fing, grocers don`t groce, and hammers don`t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn`t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn`t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital?

Ship by truck, and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways? How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites? How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out, and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it.

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Why English is tough

Friday, August 13th, 2010

Twenty-one reasons why English is hard to learn.

1. The bandage was wound around the wound.

2. The farm was used to produce produce.

3. The dump was so full it had to refuse more refuse.

4. We must polish the Polish furniture.

5. He could lead if he would get the lead out.

6. The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7. Since there was no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

8. A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

9. When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10. I did not object to the object.

11. The insurance was invalid for the invalid.

12. There was a row among the oarsmen on how to row.

13. They were too close to the door to close it.

14. The buck does funny things when does are present.

15. A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.

16. To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.

17. The wind was too strong to wind the sail.

18. After a number of injections my jaw got number.

19. Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.

20. I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.

21. How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?

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Getting Out of Classes.

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

The phone rings in the Principal’s office at a school.

“Hello, Rosewood Elementary School,” answers the Principal.

“Hello, I’m calling to say Billy won’t be able to come to school all next week,” the voice replies.

“I see,” the Principal says, “Well, what seems to be the problem with him?”

“We’re all going on a family vacation,” the voice explains. “I hope it’s all right.”

“I suppose that would be fine.” says the Principal. “May I ask who’s calling?”

“Sure, This is my father!” the voice replies.

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Last Names.

Wednesday, February 10th, 2010

A social studies teacher was talking to his class about people’s last names and how, in the old days, their last name used to be their occupation.

“For example,” the teacher said, “Baker meant the person was a baker for a living. Miller meant the person worked in a paper mill, and so on.”

At that point, one of the students raised his hand.

“Do you have an example for the class, Todd?” the teacher asked.

“No, not really,” replied Todd, “more of a question.”

“What’s your question?” inquired the teacher.

“What did John Hancock do for a living?” Todd asked.

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Geography Jokes

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

“It’s clear” said the teacher, “That you haven’t studied your geography. What’s your excuse?”

Student: “Well, my dad says the world is changing every day. So I decided to wait until it settles down!”

Teacher: “What can you tell me about the Dead Sea?”

Student: “Dead?, I didn’t even know he was sick!”

Teacher: “What are the small rivers that runs into the Nile?”

Student: “The juve-niles!”

Teacher: “Why is the Mississippi such an unusual river?”

Student: “Because it has four eyes and can’t see!”

Teacher: “What are the Great Plains?”

Student: “747, Concorde and F-16!”

Teacher: “Where is the English Channel?”

Student: “I don’t know, my TV doesn’t pick it up!”

Student: My teacher was mad with me because I don’t know where the Rockies were”

Mother: “Well, next time remember where you put things!”

Teacher: “Why does the statue of liberty stand in New York Harbour?”

Student: “Because it can’t sit down!”

Teacher: “Is Lapland heavily populated?”

Student: ” No, there are not many Lapps to the mile!”

Teacher: “Name an animal that lives in Lapland?”

Student: “A reindeer”

Teacher: “Good, now name another.”

Student: “Another reindeer.”

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Geography Class

Tuesday, February 9th, 2010

Teacher :  What is the axis of the earth?

Student:  The axis of the earth is an imaginary line which passes from one pole to the other, and on which the earth revolves.

Teacher:  Very good. Now, could you hang clothes on that line?

Student:  Yes, Sir.

Teacher:  Indeed, and what sort of clothes?

Student: Imaginary clothes, Sir.

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Daydreaming Johnny

Monday, February 8th, 2010

The teacher noticed that Johnny had been daydreaming for a long time, so she decided to get his attention.

“Johnny,” she said, “If the world is 25,000 miles around and eggs are sixty cents a dozen, how old am I?”

Without hesitation, Johnny answered, “Thirty four.”

The teacher replied, “Well, that’s not far from my actual age. Tell me … how did you guess?”

“Oh, there’s nothing to it,” Johnny said. “My big sister is seventeen and she’s only half-crazy!”

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