Archive for the ‘Jokes.’ Category

Lip Prints.

Sunday, February 7th, 2010

A principal of a small middle school had a problem with a few of the older girls starting to use lipstick. When applying it in the bathroom, they would press their lips to the mirror and leave lip prints.

Before it got out of hand he thought of a way to stop it. He gathered together all the girls who wore lipstick and told them to meet at the ladies room at 3.00 pm.

They gathered that afternoon at the appointed time and found the principal and school custodian waiting for them.

The principal explained that it was becoming a problem for the custodian to clean the mirror every night. He said he felt the ladies did not fully understand just how much of a problem it was and he wanted them to witness how it was to clean it.

The custodian then demonstrated. He took a long-handled brush out of a box, dipped the brush in the nearest toilet, walked over to the mirror and proceeded to remove the lipstick.

It was the last time he had to do so!

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Misconstrued Questions?

Wednesday, February 3rd, 2010

The male teacher in a girls’ school asked the science class: “Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times  its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?”

Mary blushed furiously as she stood up. She said: “Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal.”

The male teacher was taken a back at first by Mary’s reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily put up her hand, “Yes, Lily?”

“Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye!”

“Very good. Thanks Lily,” said the male teacher.

He then turned to the first girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: “Well, Mary, I have three things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework; Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be disappointed.”

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Actual school absence excuse notes

Tuesday, December 8th, 2009

These are excuse notes from parents (including original spelling) collected by schools.

  1. My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute him.
  2. Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
  3. Dear School: Please excused John being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33.
  4. Please excuse Gloria from Jim today. She is administrating.
  5. Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
  6. John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
  7. Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
  8. Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
  9. Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
  10. Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has loose vowels.
  11. Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea and his boots leak.
  12. Irving was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
  13. Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
  14. I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because I don’t know what size she wear.
  15. Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday, we thought it was Sunday.
  16. Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend  her funeral.
  17. My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
  18. Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
  19. Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with cramps.
  20. Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a hangover.
  21. Please excuse Burma, she has been sick and under the doctor.
  22. Maryann was absent December 11 – 16. because she had a fever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
  23. Please excuse little Jimmy for not being in school yesterday. His father is gone and I could not get him ready because I was in bed with the doctor.

By Anisha.

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Gift for the teacher.

Sunday, December 6th, 2009

It was the kindergarten teachers birthday and the students decided that they would buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents owns a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said “I guess that it is flowers”.

“How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a candy store, gave her a present. She held it and said, “I guess that is some candy.”

“How did you guess?” asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a bottle shop, gave her a  box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it. “Mmmmm is it wine?” she asked.

“No,” said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. Is it champagne?” she asked.

“No,” replied the little girl, “It is a puppy”.

By Anisha.

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Learning to be observant.

Wednesday, December 2nd, 2009

A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on “Observation”. He took out a jar of yellow-coloured liquid. “This”, he explained, “is urine”. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to colour, smell, sight, and taste.”

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. “If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth.”

By Anisha.

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Essay by Johnny.

Tuesday, December 1st, 2009

One day at the end of class Little Johnny’s teacher asks the students to go home and think of a story, to be concluded with the moral of that story.

The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.” When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one baskets.”

Little Lucy went next. “My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.” Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied. “Don’t count your chickens before they hatch.”

Next up was Little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed, but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machine machete broke. So he killed the last ten with his bare hands”.

The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. “Well”, Johnny replied, “Don’t screw with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking”.

By Anisha.

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Daughter’s letter home from college.

Thursday, November 26th, 2009

Dear Mom and Dad,

It has now been three months since I left for college. I have been remiss in writing this and I am sorry for my thoughtlessness in not having written before. I will bring you up to date now, but before you read on, please sit down. YOU ARE NOT TO READ ANY FURTHER UNLESS YOU ARE SITTING DOWN. OKAY!

Well then, I am getting along pretty well now. The skull fracture and the concussion I got when I jumped out of my dormitory when it caught fire shortly after my arrival are pretty well healed now. I only get those sick headaches once a day.

Fortunately the fire in the dormitory and my jump were witnessed by an attendant at the gas station near the dorm, and he was the one who called the fire department and the ambulance. He also visited me at the hospital and since I had nowhere to live, because of the burned out dormitory, he was kind enough to invite me to share his apartment with him. It’s really a basement room, but it’s kind of cute. He is a very fine boy and we have fallen in love and are planning to be married. We haven’t set the exact date yet, but it will be before my pregnancy begins to show.

Yes, Mother and Dad, I am pregnant. I know how much you are looking forward to being grandparents and I know you will welcome the baby and give it the love, devotion and tender care you gave me when I was a child. The reason for the delay in our marriage is that my boyfriend has some minor infection which prevents us from passing our pre-marital blood tests and I carelessly caught it from him. This will soon clear up with the penicillin injections I am taking daily.

I know you will welcome him into our family with open arms. He is kind and although not well educated, he is ambitious. Although he is of a different race and religion than ours, I know your often expressed tolerance will not permit you to be bothered by the fact that his skin colour is somewhat darker than ours. I am sure you will love him as I do. His family background is good too, for I am told that his father is an important gun-bearer in the village in Africa from which he came.

Now that I have brought you up to date, I want to tell that there was no dormitory fire, I did not have a concussion or a skull fracture. I was not in the hospital, I am not pregnant, I am not engaged. I do not have syphilis and there is no man (of any colour) in my life. However, I am getting a “D” in History and an “F” in Science and I wanted you to see those marks in the proper perspective.


Your Loving Daughter.

By Anisha

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Making the grade.

Tuesday, November 24th, 2009

A student comes to a young professor’s office hours. She glances down the hall, closes his door, kneels pleadingly.

“I would do anything to pass this exam.”

She leans close to him, flips back her hair, gazes meaningfully into his eyes.

“I mean…” she whispers, “…I would do… anything!!”

He returned her gaze. “Anything???”

“Yes… Anything!!!”

His voice turns to a whisper. “Would you … study?”

By Anisha.

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Top ten lies told by graduate students.

Sunday, November 22nd, 2009
  1. No really, I’ll be out of here in only two more years.
  2. My job prospects look really good.
  3. The department is giving me so much support.
  4. I just have one more book to read and then I’ll start writing.
  5. I turned down a lot of great job offers to come here.
  6. Your latest article was so inspiring.
  7. I would never date an undergraduate.
  8. My work has a lot of practical importance.
  9. I’d be delighted to proofread your book/chapter/article.
  10. It doesn’t bother me at all that my roommate is making $80,000 a year on Wall Street.

By Anisha

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Punished for something I didn’t do.

Thursday, November 19th, 2009

One day a little girl came home from school, and said to her mother, “Mommy, today in school I was punished for something that I didn’t do.”

The mother exclaimed, “But that’s terrible! I’m going to have a talk with your teacher about this! By the way, what was it that you didn’t do?”

The little girl replied, “My homework.”

By Anisha (2001)

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