“EKKKKKKKKKK…” the high-pitched shrieking emanating from the toddler who’d hitherto been playing happily under the dining table with her cat startles Muhammad Afeeq Mohd Azam, or Afeeq as he’s better known.
Apologising profusely for his daughter’s untimely interruption of our interview session, he promptly scoops her up in his arms and patiently settles her on his lap before turning to me sheepishly.
“Sorry, where were we?”
The 23-year-old father of one, who’s still studying for his degree in Sports Science, had been sharing about his journey as a young father trying his best to manoeuvre fatherhood.
He was only 21 when he was informed by his wife, Nur Naszurah Maisarah that she was pregnant.
“I was petrified when I heard the news. To know that someone was going to call me ‘dad’ was a terrifying thought because of all that it constitutes,” begins Afeeq solemnly.
Absently stroking his daughter, Mya’s hair, he continues: “But at the same time, I was also quietly excited. To be honest, one of my goals in life has always been to become a father. I guess it came a bit earlier than I’d planned! I was thinking maybe nearer 25!”
He confides that the days thereafter became a blur as he grew more introspective. “I was wondering how the baby would turn out; how I was going to take to the role and whether I’d be ‘qualified’ enough to even call myself a father,” shares Afeeq.
But the niggling doubts dissipated, replaced by one of awe the moment he clapped eyes on his baby — all 2.4kg of her.
Chuckling, Afeeq, the eldest of two siblings, says: “I literally froze when I saw her. Even the nurses and my wife had to shake me. I couldn’t believe that the baby was mine. I was so stunned that I couldn’t even register the bustle around me.”
Asked to recall any funny incidents, Afeeq grins before replying: “We were still at the hospital. The baby had poo-ed in her nappy. My wife and I had no idea what to do!”
Chuckling, he continues: “It was rather hilarious now thinking back. The two of us discussing furiously what to do with the baby. And just beyond the curtains was another patient, probably listening in on our crazy conversation!”
BABY MAKES THREE
Spending time with daughter Mya is important to Afeeq.
Life as they knew it changed the moment they brought baby Mya Althea Amanda home. The young father recalls receiving plenty of well-meaning advice from older family members and friends.
“Of course, we welcomed it. But at the end of the day, we discovered we were more comfortable doing things our own way — through trial and error.”
He admits he’s fortunate that Naszurah fell into her new role — motherhood — naturally.
Throwing a glance at his wife seated on the sofa, Afeeq shares: “My wife seemed to know what to do while I was still fumbling. If she was stuck, she turned to Google! Also, we were lucky because during her confinement period, which was spent at my in-laws, she was guided by her own mother.”
Afeeq shares that he wasn’t able to seek the counsel of his circle of friends as most of them were still single.
Wryly, he says: “They were actually more incredulous than anything. They were sceptical whether I’d be able to handle this new role. They said they couldn’t even look after their younger siblings let alone a baby!”
When Mya was born, Afeeq was still juggling classes. On weekends, it was his part-time work at a local gym. Suffice to say, life was terribly packed.
“But I didn’t mind it,” he says, thoughtfully. “The routine of having to attend classes, go to work, handle the baby and look after my wife… it was my responsibility. I guess if you’re genuine about your intentions, you don’t question. You just do.”
Despite everything, Afeeq managed to complete his assignments, achieve reasonable grades and ensure that both wife and baby were well provided for.
“Actually, I’m supposed to have completed my studies by now but because of the MCO, everything has been postponed,” he adds, ruefully.
OF FATHERHOOD AND DREAMS
The young parents know it will be a hard slog but worth it.
Unlike many young men of his age, Afeeq doesn’t feel like his freedom has been curtailed as a result of early fatherhood.
“I’ve never yearned to travel the world with friends or do stuff that people my age are doing,” he muses.
Adding, the taekwondo practitioner says: “If I wanted to travel, I can still do so — with my family. Also, having been a sportsman since I was young, I’ve already travelled so that need doesn’t arise anymore. It’s like ‘been there, done that!’”
However, if he could turn back the clock to change one thing, it’s to have graduated first before becoming a father.
“That would have been better. Now I have to balance studying, parenthood and a job. Finances are a challenge. Of course, I do feel stressed knowing there’s a lot to do but I just need to push on.”
Now that his wife is pregnant with their second child, Afeeq is aware that life’s about to get harder. But he’s happy to go with the flow. “We’ll adjust accordingly,” he says simply.
His demeanour changes when he confides that he’s had to grow up — fast.
“I’m not single anymore. And it’s not okay to behave like I’m single. I can’t be spending all my time hanging out with friends, or waking up late and then playing video games all day. I used to do that!”
“Me-time”, he adds, has had to be sacrificed. “If I want to play or do my own thing, I have to fit them in, in between the things I need to do first. It’s not great but it’s still something.”
Fatherhood and marriage have matured this happy-go-lucky young man.
Chuckling, Afeeq shares: “I used to think my dad was so unreasonable when I was growing up — especially when it came to girls and socialising. Now I can see just why he was so protective. Even when I watch movies these days, I find myself on the side of the parents!”
Another shriek from Mya reminds me that I’ve taken this young father’s time far longer than I’d planned. Signalling to my watch, I ask Afeeq a final question: What’s his most favourite thing about fatherhood?
His handsome face breaks into a wide smile. “Coming home to see Mya. To be honest, even when I’m in class, my mind wanders to what my daughter’s doing. I’ll scroll her pictures on my phone. And I can’t wait to get home!”
Concluding, he adds: “I’m really looking forward to ‘growing’ with my growing children. I can’t wait to walk the journey with them…”
WAKE UP AND DO IT!
Julian is very much a modern, hands-on dad to his two daughters.
AN FX (forex) strategist, Julian Suresh Sundaram was 38 when he became a father to his first-born, daughter Jaeda.
When wife Melissa told him the news of her pregnancy, Julian recalls a lengthy pause ensuing as he grappled with what to say.
“I guess there’s no such thing as the best thing to say so I just smiled, hugged her and I can’t really remember what I said thereafter!” he begins, voice laced with mirth.
The now-44-year-old recalls the early days of fatherhood as being somewhat challenging.
Happy family.
“Wrapping my face with what was worn moments before to clean Jaeda. The trials of feeding, more so during the haunting hours. The anxieties that came with every cough, every rise in temperature, every unending cry,” he recollects, as if it were only yesterday.
Continuing, he reels off breathlessly: “The marathon of putting her to sleep, rocking her and counting to 200 because if the rocking was too short, she’d wake up when put down. If the rocking was too long, well… that’s just bad for my back!”
With a gentle smile, he swiftly adds: “But you know, none of that matters now. It’s just wonderful to have a daughter who looks at you with new eyes every day. It’s God’s clean slate and I pray I’ve painted it well for her.”
Asked whether he had any help from his friends during the early days of fatherhood, Julian pauses for thought before recalling that he did ask a particular friend — a father-of-two — for tips on being a parent.
Chuckling, he shares: “My friend just shrugged his shoulders and said there’s really nothing. I was a bit disappointed. Not even a single tip! But soon enough, I quickly realised that there are no tips. One would just have to learn as one embark on the journey.”
His support system then comprised his wife and mother-in-law who took care of little Jaeda in the first year of her life.
“My own parents were also always there whenever emergencies arose,” says Julian.
WORK IN PROGRESS
Reading to his two girls is one way that Julian bonds with them.
Suffice to say, the early years of parenthood took some getting used to. Julian remembers feeling particularly helpless whenever he was unable to be of much help to wife Melissa.
“Coming back from work and seeing her totally frazzled and knowing that there was nothing I could do to make it better… that was hard for me.”
Brows furrowing, he continues: “Whenever Jaeda cried and I had to pacify her somehow… that also made me feel helpless. Feeding time would sometimes end up being a marathon, complete with nursery rhymes and Bole Chudiya (from Kabhi Kushi Kabhi Gham) stuck on repeat!”
Now that Jaeda is bigger and the family has grown with the addition of another adorable daughter, Jia, Julian admits that as a father, he’s still a work in progress.
“There are too many distractions and I think this is the main challenge of modern-day parenting. You want to be there for the kids more but there are those distractions that hinder that aspiration.”
Fatherhood, confesses Julian, who loves to read to his children, has been a beautiful journey, despite being peppered with the odd challenges.
Enthusiastically, he declares: “I can’t even describe the feeling I get when I see Jaeda’s face light up, especially as a result of having learnt something new that I’ve taught her. Of course, I can’t explain everything that she asks, because she’s too young, but she accepts when I tell her that I would do so when she’s better able to comprehend.”
If there’s one thing he has learnt about himself as a result of fatherhood, it’s that there’s nothing else he’d rather do.
Concludes Julian thoughtfully: “I’ve also learnt to accept that I’m not always right and the fact that it’s not ‘me’ anymore, but ‘we’!”
REWRITING HISTORY
Despite being a busy father, Patrick believes in making time for his sons. Seen here with young Mervin, left and son, Adrian, right.
From his favourite perch on a comfy rattan chair in one corner of the bustling cafe, his cup of coffee cradled in his hands, Patrick Chin Beng Chew smiles broadly. Business has been brisk today and of course, he’s suitably pleased.
His son, Mervin Chin, the 28-year-old proprietor of this popular café, Rinse in Bandar Sri Damansara, Kuala Lumpur has yet to make an appearance.
But dad Patrick is unperturbed, contented in the knowledge that his mere presence there will ensure that everything runs smoothly.
Tearing his watchful gaze away from proceedings, the sprightly 58-year-old turns his attention to me, finally able to begin our chat. “Fatherhood… hmm… that has certainly been an interesting — and fulfilling — journey,” he begins, tone reflective.
I duly learn that this driven businessman was already 31 when he became a father. A lengthy courtship with his then-girlfriend (now wife) — of 11 years — culminated in the decision to tie the knot and start a family immediately.
“I’d waited long enough, done enough (he had a steady job in sales) and I felt that the time was right to start a family,” shares Patrick, an engineer by training.
After nine months of matrimonial bliss, their much-awaited first son, Mervin was born. Little did they know that with the new arrival, their world would be completely altered.
“Bringing up our first child wasn’t easy at all,” recalls Patrick. “In fact, it was downright challenging.”
The newly-weds didn’t have the luxury of in-house parental support as they were living in their own home.
“Everything was new to us and we hadn’t a clue what to do. A flurry of phone calls to my mum became the norm as we consulted her for countless advice,” confides the hiking enthusiast.
The young Mervin wasn’t an “easy” child to raise, he remembers.
“Our son gave us plenty of headaches! The moment he came out, he cried. And would continue to do so for a long time!”
Leaning closer to make his next point, Patrick continues: “You know there’s this Chinese belief that if a baby comes out crying non-stop, he’ll cry for 100 days. And it was true! Our introduction into parenthood was really exhausting!”
Patrick admits to being completely baffled as to why his son was always crying.
“Colic?” I ventured. “Maybe,” is his quizzical reply. He goes on to confide that he even went as far as to consult traditional Chinese healers for answers and undertook several rituals but to no avail.
“In the end we resigned ourselves to the idea that we just needed to struggle through this. We believed that better days would come — eventually.”
A proud day for Patrick and wife seeing son Mervin graduate
Grinning, the doting father adds: “That’s probably why our second son, Adrian only arrived three years later! We were so worried that there’d be a repeat of the first time. Luckily, the second journey into parenthood was pretty smooth.”
Despite his busy work life, Patrick shares that he was very much a hands-on father.
“I went to the market; I helped prepare the milk for the baby; fed him; took my shifts whenever my wife needed her rest. We had a good system going. Knowing that I had to work, my wife took care of everything at night so I could get some sleep. On weekends and when I returned from work, I’d take over.”
EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
Although relationship with his father was somewhat tumultous during the early years, time has seen it mend. Here, Patrick’s dad with his wife and grandchild, Mervin.
If there’s one thing that Patrick, the third of five siblings, is determined to do, it’s to give his sons everything he never had from his own father, growing up.
Tears well in his kindly eyes as he travels back in time to offer me a glimpse into his childhood.
“What I’ve done — and am doing — with my children is the opposite to what my dad did with me,” he exclaims, voice breaking as he wipes a tear that has accidentally escaped.
His gaze travelling to the window, he continues: “We were just the typical traditional Chinese family with a father who hardly spoke. I remember the only interaction we had was when we showed him our report cards. We were closer to our mother.”
Desperately trying to control his emotions, Patrick mumbles: “There was no such thing as a man-to-man talk with my father. It was just so… different.
“I craved that connection but never got it. Yes, he gave us our education and supported us financially… but the emotional connection? That’s why I vowed to myself that my children would not go through what I did or ever want for anything.”
His sons have grown up with a father who has been hugely prevalent in their lives.
Sports day, report card day, school registration day, graduation day… Patrick has ensured that he’s been present. “I’m proud to say I can hang out with my sons — and their friends. We can go drinking together and travelling. In fact, we enjoy each other’s company.”
The sound of the door swinging open prompts us both to turn. It’s Mervin, bespectacled and smiling broadly. He throws a jaunty wave in our direction before disappearing behind the counter to supervise proceedings.
Grinning, Patrick, whose formative years were spent in Kelantan and Pahang, muses: “Come to think of it, Mervin is a reflection of me when I was younger. Adrian is closer in nature to my wife. When Mervin and I are at loggerheads with each other, I can usually understand where he’s coming from. And we actually make amends pretty swiftly. I guess we just look hard on the outside, but are actually pretty soft inside.”
Any big dreams for your sons, I ask, furtively scanning the cafe as it begins to heave with a raucous lunch time crowd. Lips pursed, Patrick contemplates the question.
“I’ve learnt that no matter what you decide to do in life, you need to give it your best. I don’t mind what paths my sons choose. I was shocked when Mervin, who’d just graduated with a Masters, told me he wanted to become a barista. But all I said to him was, ‘Fine, try it and see if you like it. Just give your best.”
Patrick is proud of the success his son, Mervin is enjoying with his passion.
Voice low, Patrick confides: “I’m sentimental when it comes to this. Actually, it was also my dream to own a cafe when I was younger. But it was just that — a dream. And now Mervin says to me, ‘Dad, I’m living your dream.’ Perhaps one day Rinse can grow further and be our legacy. Maybe Mervin can tell his kids that he did this with their grandfather. That’d be great!”
Any advice for young fathers out there? Downing the last trickle of my coffee, I wait expectantly for Patrick’s reply. Again, the brows furrow. “Life is short,” he answers solemnly. “If you don’t spend time with your children, you’ll regret it one day. Don’t say I’m busy now, I’ll be with you later. Don’t.”
Concluding, Patrick, whose proudest moment was seeing Mervin graduate with a Masters, shares: “My wife sacrificed her high-flying career and for 15 years she looked after our growing sons. We decided we’d just make the best of what we had. And we’ve never regretted it.”
intanm@nst.com.my
By Intan Maizura Ahmad Kamal.
Read more @ https://www.nst.com.my/lifestyle/sunday-vibes/2020/06/602200/essence-father